Sean Keeler: What’s with $135M Ball Arena renovation but still no dedicated Avalanche practice facility?

DENVER – The running joke in the Grading The Week offices is that Joe Sakic will have his job forever. And by Joe Sakic, we don’t mean Super Joe. We’re talking about Cyber Joe.

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Cyber Joe is an artificial intelligence program that replicates everything that the smartest man in the NHL does right now, only a gazillion times faster. Joe’s brain is actually a giant data center just south of Parker, and his public face, Joe needs one, is a hologram that can react to any one of 1.4 million potential questions and follow-ups from local reporters. (Except for Guerilla Sports’ Jesse Montano. No AI, even the most cutting of cutting edge, can account for a Jesse Montano curveball.)

Cyber Joe will be so thorough, so polished, that some scribes may not even be able to tell when the real Sakic Era ended the Simulated Sakic Era began.

By golly, we’re fairly certain this is coming down the pike. You know why?

– Because, per The Denver Post’s Corey Masisak, Super Joe removed the “interim” from his general manager title and, also, per Masisak, the Colorado Avalanche are no longer actively searching for a full-time replacement.

– Because the only man who can replace Joe Sakic in this town is Joe Sakic. Unless, of course, it’s a computer-programmed near-perfect replica of Joe Sakic.

– The Kroenkes have already shown a commitment to the combination of AI and shaking up hockey decorum by having the Zambonis at Family Sports Center drive themselves.

That’s right, kids. No joke. The Avs have Zambonis at training camp that don’t have Zamboni drivers. They have $135 million in renovations coming to Ball Arena.

And yet, as of Friday afternoon, they still didn’t have a dedicated practice facility all to themselves.

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Ball Arena upgrade, but no Avs practice facility? – D

The other running joke among the wise apples in the GTW crew is that Stan and Josh Kroenke will be preparing to launch Cyber Joe 4.0 before the franchise ever moves out of Family Sports.

The Avs, who have won three Stanley Cups, most recently in 2022, train in, per the South Suburban Parks & Rec website, a “two-story entertainment center featuring laser tag, a climbing wall, bumper cars, arcade games and more … And once you’ve built up an appetite, hit the concessions or eat at our full service restaurant and bar that overlooks the Avs’ practice sheet.”

Now don’t get us wrong: Some of the GTW staffers have families, and their families love Family Sports. Those families also think it’s a little weird – cool, but weird – that they can throw a fourth-grader’s birthday party while watching a Stanley Cup contender practice, relatively unimpeded, given the secrecy and hush-hush with which the Avs generally prefer to do their business.

So while we were only mildly shocked to hear from Our Man Masisak Monday that Super Joe was jumping back into full-time GM duties again, we were somewhat less shocked on Friday to see that the Kroenkes unveiled plans for a new-look Ball Arena with upgrades to the concourses, escalators, team shops and a larger East Atrium … but no word yet of a dedicated training facility for the Nuggets, who could use one, or for the Avalanche, whose fans have been begging for one.

Sources have told GTW that the Kroenkes are completely serious about new Avs and Nuggets headquarters and might be farther along on those fronts than John Q. Public thinks. Then again, we’ve heard that same song about Dick’s Sporting Goods Park for a while now, too, and the KSE AI has yet to produce a video scoreboard in Commerce City that can repair itself.

In the meantime, those lasers on South Peoria Street will apparently have to tag themselves for a little longer. Team GTW hopes we’re wrong, but in 2056, we’d wager that Cyber Joe will still be there, pushing buttons as the world’s most gifted GM simulator. Meanwhile, his Avs will still be trudging through an arcade in order to get to work.

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